Loyalty and War Read online

  He shrugged again. “I’m still jealous… but…”

  “I know,” Valis said. “It won’t go away overnight.”

  “No,” Aryn whispered.

  Then he took a deep breath and glanced over again. “You got married?”

  “We did,” Tavros said proudly. “Valis and I had our joining night three days ago.”

  “Congratulations,” Aryn said, sounding half-dead. “I’m sorry I missed it.”

  Valis gave him a small smile. “It’s okay.”

  He needed to change the subject, so Valis rubbed over his heart and murmured, “I have some news.”

  “Oh?” Aryn only looked mildly interested. “What’s that?”

  “Papa returned home.” Valis told him about finding Kerac the night before when he and Tavros left the Autumn Festival for some time alone outside Cadoras’s walls. When he finished, Aryn’s eyes were filled with tears.

  “Will he make it?”

  “We’re fairly sure he will,” Valis said. “He just needs medicine, food, rest, and to rebuild his strength. Firil thinks he was tortured, so his mind may be messed up.”

  The boy shivered and grabbed his cell bars. “I’m so sorry. Did… did you find any sign of Darolen?”

  Valis shook his head. “No. Thyran sent out search parties, but none turned up any sign of him. Scries turned up nothing, as well, so we have to wait until Firil removes the sleep spell so we can ask Papa about it. Firil is waiting until he’s built up a bit of a tolerance for food because of how emaciated he is.”

  Aryn glanced down at himself and winced. “Yeah.”

  “You’ll fill back out again,” Tavros assured. “You went a long time without sleeping or eating right. The dark circles under your eyes started to look like you got punched in each eye twice a day. It… it was kind of awful.”

  “I’m sorry,” Aryn whispered. “It still hurts.”

  “Then will you stop giving the guards a hard time?” Valis asked. “The Duty Captain said you were causing a lot of problems.”

  The boy shrugged. “I didn’t know why I was in here until yesterday, and I didn’t believe them until you came in. It all feels like a really bad dream.” He took a deep breath and rested his head back against the wall. “But yeah. I’ll behave.”

  “Good,” Tavros said. “If you’re good, you won’t be in here for long, I think. Valis and I will talk to the priests and see what can be done if you prove you’re no longer a danger to anyone.”

  Aryn gave his eldest brother a small, tired smile. “Thanks, Tav.”

  The door to the room opened, and the female guard stuck her head in. “Time’s up. Are you ready to head back?”

  Valis let out a soft breath. “Yes, ma’am.”

  He looked back at Aryn and smiled. “I’ll be coming to see you as often as I can, okay?”

  With a nod, Aryn wiped his eyes on the neck of his tunic. “Yeah. Thanks.”

  As Valis and Tavros left the interrogation room, Valis rubbed over his heart. “Think that was really him?”

  Tavros squeezed his hand and brought it up to kiss the backs of Valis’s fingers. “I’m pretty sure it was. Thanks for making me come today.”

  “You’re welcome.” Valis turned and pressed a kiss to Tavros’s shoulder. “Thank you for coming with me.”

  “Always, Valis. Always.”

  Chapter Three

  After dinner with his husband and friends, Valis led the group back to the healing ward to visit Kerac. He had planned to go alone with just Tavros, but everyone wanted to go, so they filed through the halls until they made it to the side of Kerac’s cot.

  To Valis’s surprise, Kerac blinked up at him, awake. Firil entered from a door at the back and smiled at the group. “Good, Valis. I am glad you came.”

  With a wave at Firil, Valis sank into the chair beside the cot and took his papa’s hand. “How are you feeling?”

  Kerac’s lower lip wobbled, and he shook his head.

  Valis leaned in close. “Was Darolen still alive when you separated?”

  His adopted father’s golden eyes glistened with unshed tears. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out for several moments. With each second that ticked by, Valis’s stomach dropped further and further into the floor. Was Darolen dead?

  All Kerac could do after a bit was nod. Relief flooded Valis. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Kerac’s forehead. “It’s okay, Papa. You can tell me all about it when you’re feeling better. Don’t stress yourself over it.”

  Valis wanted to ask so many questions, but the devastation in Kerac’s face made him keep his mouth shut as he stroked a hand over his papa’s hair. “I missed you,” Valis whispered. “I missed you so damned much.”

  The tears that had gathered in Kerac’s eyes spilled over to the sides of his face and dripped into his ears. He sniffled, let out a whimper as he tried to raise his hands, but was too weak to get them more than a couple inches off the cot.

  Valis smiled softly as he gently helped Kerac into a sitting position. Then he wrapped his arms about Kerac and held him as tight as he dared without hurting him. Kerac buried his face in Valis’s hair and took long, deep breaths as if he couldn’t get enough of Valis’s scent.

  Then he started sobbing. It started off gentle at first, then grew in intensity until his entire body shook with his pain. Throughout it all, he remained so quiet that it worried Valis. He knew how Kerac cried. He was vocal to the point where he would make sound both when exhaling and inhaling. What had happened to him that when he cried this hard, he made no sound except quiet gasps and wet sniffles?

  “Oh, Papa.” He rubbed his hands up and down Kerac’s back and kissed the side of his head. Valis gently rocked him back and forth while Kerac sobbed uncontrollably and clung to Valis with every minuscule ounce of strength he still had, his bony fingers clenched in Valis’s tunic, hands shaking with exertion.

  It took long minutes for Kerac to calm, and the moment he did, he collapsed. Feeling Kerac go limp in his arms, Valis’s heart stuttered painfully, and he held his fingers under Kerac’s nostrils to make sure he was still breathing.

  “Valis?”

  Valis glanced over at Seza and let out a breath. “I think he just passed out from exhaustion. Will you fetch Firil?”

  She nodded and strode quickly away toward the Master Healer’s office. When she returned, the rest of their friends parted to let Firil through. The frown that marred his face worried Valis, but then it disappeared and Firil smoothed a gentle hand over Kerac’s head.

  “What happened?”

  Valis took in a deep breath and held Kerac a little tighter. “He couldn’t stop sobbing, and then he just went limp.”

  Firil relaxed and smiled. “He only exhausted himself. He needs sleep, Valis. All is well. Lay him down and let him rest. He has been through too much to get over it in a day.”

  No matter how much that made sense, Valis didn’t want to let Kerac go. When he looked up at Firil again, the Master Healer chuckled and patted him on the back. “Hold him a while longer if you wish. It will hurt nothing. Your presence may help his mental state when he wakes next. I took the coma spell off him to gauge his reaction, and he’s done remarkably well under the circumstances, so he may not need it again.”

  With a nod, Valis buried his face in Kerac’s hair, breathing him in. Now he understood Kerac’s reaction. He had been gone so long that Valis couldn’t get enough of his scent, either, wanted to breathe him in forever. Then a thought occurred to him. “When can I take him back to our suite? He may be more comfortable there.”

  Firil thought about that for a few moments. When he finished whatever assessment he did in his mind, he shook his head. “You may be right. If it will make you feel better, you may take him now. I can feed him and help him through his physical therapy there. It will be no trouble.”

  “No, Valis,” Seza rested a gentle hand on Valis’s shoulder. “Take him to his own suite. He’ll be more comfortable with his own things, i
n his own space. We can take turns keeping watch over him. That way he’s never alone.”

  She gave Valis a small smile. “I know you wanted him close by, but I do think this idea is best. You and Tavros need time to yourselves so soon after your joining night, and you’d never get it sharing a suite with Kerac there.”

  When Valis sighed and drooped his shoulders in defeat, Seza chuckled. “Don’t give me that look. You also need to not smother him, and you’d fuss so much he’d never get any rest.”

  “You know she’s right, man,” Jedai said. “No sense fighting her about it.”

  Valis cast a glance back at the traitor. Jedai shrugged negligently and ran his fingers through his wavy auburn hair. His blue eyes didn’t seem the least bit sorry.

  When he glanced over at Tavros who stood by his side, then Maphias, Aenali, and Zhasina who stood a few feet away, they all smirked at him. “She’s right,” Zhasina said.

  Sighing, Valis acquiesced with a nod. “Fine.”

  “Then let’s get him situated,” Tavros said. “We can keep the first watch.”

  Seza nodded and helped pull the covers back from Kerac’s legs. “Let’s get him comfortable first, then we’ll have a meeting in his sitting room to discuss a watch rotation.”

  It both did and didn’t feel right to be taking Kerac out of the healing ward. As he carefully lifted his adopted father off the cot, Valis tried to remind himself that nothing would happen. Firil would still take care of Kerac. His friends would help Valis keep an eye on him between the Master Healer’s visits. Kerac would be safe, and he would get better.

  But with every step, it felt like he was taking Kerac into danger.

  Your mind is delving into the realm of stupidity again, Roba muttered. His ghostly voice made Valis shiver but made him feel less alone. Sure, Valis was surrounded by friends, but at least Roba had permanent access into his mind and could call him out on his bullshit and self-flagellating thoughts.

  Thanks, Dad.

  Just remember that whether you take him or leave him, he will progress just the same. And being in familiar surroundings may help his mind heal faster even if his body takes longer.

  Valis let a small smile creep onto his face. When did you turn into a softie?

  Roba didn’t deign to answer that with anything more than an indignant huff in Valis’s mind.

  Still, Roba’s concern made Valis feel lighter, and that feeling of danger passed. Now, Valis recognized it as a small bout of anxiety, and could more easily dismiss it. And when they made it into Kerac and Darolen’s suite, Valis felt a small wave of nostalgia wash over him. He hadn’t spent any real time in this suite since his fathers left for their mission. It felt strange to be inside it again.

  With care, he and Tavros got Kerac situated in his bed, covered him up and lowered the lamp wick to keep only a soft glow to the room. Kerac didn’t stir, so after five minutes of fussing with Kerac’s blankets and stroking his hair, Valis allowed Tavros to lead him by the hand out of the room and across the hall to the sitting room where their friends waited.

  “How is he?” Aenali asked.

  Valis sat on the couch next to Tavros with a deep, pent-up sigh. Aenali claimed his lap, climbing up without hesitation. She wrapped herself around him, just as she had wrapped herself around his heart when he’d first come to this monastery. He shrugged as he pressed his nose into her auburn curls and tried valiantly to smile when she turned her worried green doe eyes up at him. “He’s as well as can be expected, I guess. He’s still unconscious.”

  “It may have just been exhaustion coupled with his emotions,” Zhasina said. She pushed her tight, black curls from her face and smiled knowingly at him, the warm cocoa color of her skin glowing in the firelight from the hearth. “He may not be as strong as you to deal with such emotions while exhausted.”

  Valis huffed a laugh. “I’ve never been that exhausted before. I hope I never have to go through that.”

  Zhasina shrugged, unrepentant. “Perhaps, but my point stands.”

  Seza clapped her hands, startling everyone. “So, let’s come up with a rotation.” She looked around, meeting each person’s eyes in turn. “We need to get Valis’s mind in the right place, and we need to know our schedules so that we can rearrange our duties to accommodate them.”

  “I can help, too, right?” Aenali asked. “I can run to get Firil just as well as you guys can.”

  “Yes, Aenali,” Valis said, hugging the little girl. “You can help. You’re often more level-headed than any of us, anyway.”

  “I know I am. It’s about time the rest of you figured that out.” She huffed and nestled against Valis, knowing he needed her close to keep him grounded, knowing that right now, her biggest advantage was her warmth and weight when Valis needed her most. And she only piped up a few times during the discussion to let them know when they were being obtuse, and to let them know her normal schedule and when she could fit Kerac’s care into it.

  Once they got the watch rotation schedule hammered out, Valis thanked everyone and watched them leave to get back to their duties. He thanked all the gods in succession that his own duties had been lifted for a few days due to Kerac’s return and his medical state. It would also give his students a few days to process their lessons and practice on their own time. …Or sleep in. The classes Valis taught were all before dawn, so he wouldn’t begrudge anyone taking a few days to catch up on sleep or anything else they needed to do.

  The moment they were alone, Tavros tugged Valis back into the sitting room and onto the couch. He sighed, nuzzling into Valis’s hair. “Tell me how to help you. You’re shaking.”

  Valis glanced down at his hands and groaned. He hadn’t realized how bad his shaking was until Tavros mentioned it, but now he felt the tremors all throughout his body and his hands were the worst. He clenched them to try to get them to stop, but Tavros rubbed his tight fists until he relaxed them. “None of that. Tell me.”

  “I’m not sure,” Valis admitted. “Truly, I don’t know. I just…”

  Tavros nodded. “I understand.” Then he shook his head and stared into Valis’s eyes with such intent that Valis almost cringed away. “You’re exhausted.”

  “Just a bit, yeah.”

  His husband pressed a kiss to Valis’s temple and gave him a nudge. “Go lie down with him. Just make sure to get some sleep instead of staring at him the whole time, okay? That won’t help either of you.”

  Valis wiped a hand down his face and nodded. “I know.”

  “Then go on. I’ll stay in here and wake you when it’s time for the next watch.”

  With a heavy sigh, Valis stepped into Tavros for a sweet kiss then headed for the bedroom. Kerac laid just as they had settled him, his breathing soft and even in sleep. Valis didn’t want to risk waking him, so he slipped off his boots at the door and tiptoed through the room until he stood on the opposite side of the bed. It took him a few minutes to gather the courage to lay down, but the moment he was horizontal, he rolled and cuddled up to Kerac’s side. Before he realized what was happening, he was asleep.

  The next thing he knew, Valis felt fingers in his hair and woke to see Kerac staring down at him with a soft frown.

  “Papa? Are you okay?”

  “No…”

  “Can you talk about it?”

  Kerac twitched his head to the side, his eyes filling with tears. “No…”

  Valis reached for his papa’s free hand and gave it a squeeze. “I swear it, Papa. I swear, if he’s still alive, I will find him, and I will bring him home to you. You have my word.”

  Kerac’s breath hitched in a sob, making Valis’s heart ache. It hurt that all Valis could do was make promises he wasn’t sure he would keep, but that he would give anything to make happen. It hurt that he couldn’t see Kerac’s smile, because Kerac was too broken to do more than whisper single-word answers. And it hurt that he didn’t know where Darolen was, or even if he was still alive, anything to give Kerac some semblance of a reassuranc
e.

  “I love you, Papa. Tell me what you need.”

  Another hitched breath, and Kerac whispered, “I just… wish I could…” He cleared his throat of the phlegm that clogged it, making his voice warble. “Wish I could hear his voice… just once more. Just once…”

  Valis leaned up and pressed a kiss to Kerac’s forehead. “Give me just a minute. I’ll be right back.”

  He carefully extracted himself from the bed and raced to the sitting room. Tavros was there, book in hand by the fire. He glanced up when Valis threw the door open and set the book aside. “What is it?”

  “Can you bring my phonograph and the record? Kerac wants to hear Darolen’s voice.”

  “He’s awake?” A smile broke out on Tavros’s face, warming Valis’s heart. “Good. I’ll be back with it. Leave the doors open for me.”

  “Always.”

  While Tavros went to fetch that, Valis went and grabbed a glass and filled it with cold water from the tap. He carefully sat Kerac up and helped him drink, surprised that he tried to chug the entire glass in a single swallow. “Easy, Papa. I can always get you more. Are you hungry?”

  With Kerac’s nod, Valis helped him drink the rest of the glass and wiped down his face and neck with a cool cloth. “Once Tavros gets here, we’ll get you some food. You may not like it though. You’re on a liquid diet until your stomach is strong enough for solid food again.”

  “That’s fine,” Kerac whispered. “Anything will do.”

  Valis kissed his brow and smoothed back the flyaways that had escaped his braid. Just as he was thinking about brushing it out and re-braiding it, Tavros entered with the phonograph and set it up across the room. Without a word, Tavros wound the crank, set the needle down, and the room filled with Darolen’s deep bass rumble singing The Journey.

  There were so many reactions Valis thought Kerac would have, but none of them prepared him for what actually happened. Kerac stiffened in his arms. His breaths came out in short stuttered gasps that wrenched Valis’s heart in a visceral way. His bony fingers clutched at Valis’, and for as weak as Kerac was, the strength of that trembling grip surprised him.